The Story Of How I Learned To Work For My Happiness

Perhaps you’ve heard this said before: Happiness is a choice.

Honestly, I couldn’t agree more, it truly is a choice, although what’s often missing from this phrase is how hard of a choice it can be.

A warning: I’m about to speak on some of my darkest moments, which might be triggering for some of you. I promise there will be a positive ending to this story, but if you feel you need a break, go ahead and take one. I’ll still be here when you get back.

Suicide is something I have struggled with many times. I honestly believe I have killed myself, likely more than once, in my past lives. Drowning by water seems to be a particularly alluring death for me.

Whenever I hit rock bottom, suicidal thoughts are always waiting for me. At times it just feels best to end it all.

Hopeless; I have felt completely devoid of hope.

This has made my life very challenging, as you can imagine. Whenever I start to slip into depression, or even just many bad days in a row, suicidal thoughts creep in. Sometimes I don’t even recognize it as such, these quick thoughts telling me to just kill myself, but whenever I do recognize them, I know I have hit rock bottom. Again.

I have many stories I could share about coming close to killing myself, most of which involve staring into a body of water, but for now I’ve decided to share one that involved some tough love.

On this particular day it was as cold and dreary outside as I felt inside. I can’t tell you exactly what it was that I was struggling with, only that I remember feeling hopeless and completely empty, as if all joy and possibility had been sucked out of me.

Once again I hit my rock bottom, and I couldn’t see a way out.

Earlier that morning I had pulled a card from my Keepers Of The Light Oracle Deck by Kyle Gray for guidance, and I saw Melchizedek staring back at me. He wasn’t a Guide that I was very familiar with, and something about his intense gaze made me feel scrutinized and chastised.

I wasn’t sure what to do with that card, and it quickly fell from my mind. Later that day, after hours of falling deeper into despair, I felt drawn to get in the car and drive away from my young family. I needed to escape, somehow, so I drove myself down to the local park and walked out to the waterfall.

I remember leaning against a big rock, trying to avoid getting wet, and staring at the waterfall while my thoughts raced.

What was I going to do? Why couldn’t I be happy? Why was I once again thinking about suicide? Why was I so miserable?

Suddenly, my card from earlier popped into my head. I felt a presence near me, something wise and discerning, but not the loving embrace that I associate with my spirit guide. No, this was someone else. Melchizedek.

I reluctantly opened myself up to receiving his guidance; at that point I felt I had nothing else to lose. Now, I’m not going to lie and tell you that he blessed me with positivity and hope. While I do firmly believe that Melchizedek is a wonderful guide, his way of teaching isn’t sugar coated, at least in my experience. He is discerning, forward, and serious, exactly what I needed.

As I sat there, staring at the water and feeling sorry for myself, I felt his message coming through. While he didn’t speak in direct words, I felt my thoughts being guided. I was overcome with this feeling of “get over it and get on with it.” Life sucks sometimes, I knew this, and sulking wasn’t going to make it any better.

I needed to get over myself, get over my ego, accept that sometimes we feel really shitty, and just move on. Move forward. I had a beautiful family that was at home worrying about me. They needed me, and I needed to keep living. If I wanted my life to get better, I needed to face it.

Face my feelings. Face my suffering. Face the fact that sometimes life really sucks.

Please don’t misunderstand, the guidance I received from Melchizedek was loving in nature, and not nearly as harsh as it might sound. Yes, it was a bit shocking to hear such blunt advice, but I needed it.

I needed to shock myself out of feeling sorry for myself. I needed the reminder that I have to keep going. I’m not here to give up, to kill myself, I’m here to live and to learn and to keep going.

So I went home, and made the most of my day. No, it wasn’t perfect, and yes, I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts again since then, but I did learn a very important lesson that day: happiness is a choice.

I had to choose to deal with my negative feelings. I had to choose to face my life. I had to choose to try to be marginally happier than I was feeling in that moment.

I had to choose to stop focussing on my negative thoughts, and instead try to climb the ladder back to happiness.

Happiness is a choice, but it’s often a difficult one.

Please don’t misunderstand me, if you are suffering mentally, you can’t just flick a switch and feel better. Life isn’t like that.

However, you can make the choice to do something. Call someone. Seek therapy, medication, or both. You can choose to call in sick, watch a movie that you love, change your clothes, throw a one-person-dance-party, anything.

Any movement towards feeling even a tiny bit better is worthwhile.

Now of course, I’m not trying to give you mental health advice, there are many experts you can turn to for that. I’m simply saying that even in our darkest moments, we can choose to try and turn on the light.

Sometimes, the choice is to stop beating yourself up for feeling horrible. Don’t add guilt, blame, or shame on top of your already large pile of negative feelings.

Other times the steps will be much more difficult to make, but still I urge you to try.

Try for happiness, every day. Try to reset whenever you need it. Let go of feeling awful, life is hard enough without us doubling down on our pain. Let it go, as best you can, and get help as often as necessary.

Just keep trying, keep trying to move forward. Keep walking towards the light. Inch by inch, you will get there, I promise.

If you find yourself needing a little spiritual push, Melchizedek has your back!