My daughter makes a necklace for me using the beads I’ve laid out for her. She wants to follow a pattern. Like me, she excels at expressing herself creatively.
She also dreams of being a mommy someday, just like me.
I try to tell her that there is more to life than having babies; perhaps she will want to travel the world or run a business before settling down. I also try to support her freedom to choose; being a mother is a great goal, just make sure you’ve picked the right person to have babies with. There is no need to rush.
She listens, as she picks up the beads I’ve laid out. My pattern is part rainbow, part pink purple and blue. She tells me I love rainbows, which is true.
I resist telling her what the colours mean.
My children have many books with Queer characters, mostly love stories between two boys. She understands girls can marry girls, but struggles to make sense of it. How could a family look different than ours? How could two women fall in love?
These questions bother me more than her, and when they come up she quickly moves on.
I didn’t tell her that my necklace was a symbol of Queer pride. She doesn’t know what bisexual means, and I’m not sure how to explain it to her.
I’m still trying to figure out what it means to me.
As she finishes my necklace and shows it off, I’m proud of what she’s created. Maybe this year I will feel proud enough to come out and go to a Queer event; perhaps I’ll even gain the confidence to go to the Pride parade for the first time.
Hopefully someday I will work up the courage to talk to my daughter about my sexuality. Maybe I will truly embrace who I am, and fully accept and integrate my bisexuality into my identity.
For now, I will start small by gaining the courage to wear my beautiful Queer necklace, made just for me.